zaterdag 16 december 2017

Aspergers sucks.

Yup, Aspergers sucks. Loads.

It is so effing annoying to know exactly what you need to do, see multiple solutions to problems, can see how everything works out, but when you want to put it to paper it becomes a jumbled mess no one can make sense of, or the paper stays blank. All I do, or try to do it seems, is make plans. Plans for life, plans for the hobby, plans to find work, plans for my relationship.

And the very next day it all falls apart again. Constantly blaming myself for not finishing stuff while knowing fully well I can be 120% into something one night and wondering the next day why the hell I bought/did/started that in the first place.

Maybe it's because I could not drink soft and energy drinks 2 weeks ago when I got a bad flue, and halfway into thought, I might as well quit, it should be good for me, give me more energy, saves money and my teeth and my gut. And now one week later I can feel myself yearning for the stuff when I'm not feeling quite as sparkly as always. Driving home tonight from our hobby session I paased the McD and right up to 500 metres before the turn I thought, oh yea, lovely, I need that. It took a ton of willpower to tell me that is actually the last thing I need. No need to spend money I don't have creating a gut I don't want to get a body my wife loathes even more. Still, just saying no to one temptation isn't making it any easier atm. I know it will be when I'm a couple of weeks more into it. Just the allure of just one more, what will one little drink or bite matter, it just makes you feel good. Knowing fully well it doesn't.

I'm excellent at cold hard logic like that. I suck at implementing most of it, as it feels like I'm deniying myself something. A soft drink or a bit of chocolate used to be a treat to look forward to as a kid. Now it is just something I gulp down in mere minutes because of a perceived "want" and feel shitty about it afterwards. Same with miniatures and kits. My heart has grand plans to see lovely small tables with painted miniatures and great nights with friends. My mind sees pitfalls on every step of the way and without a well defined plan or deadline it just falls apart while stuff is in the mail to my adress, and when it arrives ot just get's tossed in the to do pile.

My hobby, when I started it, was fun. I was still studying and people around me were amazed I could paint stuff that small. Sure, I could not afford much (even back then) but I really enjoyed myself. Then I went from job to job, discovered my knack for Sales and Customer Service and tried to get even better at it, only to be turned down by employers for not fitting in the mould they wanted me to fit. Apparently, getting 85-95% scores on Mistery Guests scores wasn't good enough (this from a manager who never got beyond 40% for his boorish attitude to customers and simply not knowing his basics). Also, valueing Service over Sales is a bog no-no it seems. I really, really hate the rather 100 euros now once, then 25 euros again and again  mentality. Yes, I fully understand that not making a sale can jeopardise my pay that month, and that customer loyalty is hard to earn in this day and age of comparison sites and cheap stuff from China, but I always felt, and been told so by many, many customers, that a bit of time invested into finding out what the customer really wants always pays off, not perse in a fast buck as the boss wants, but in a better perception of the company you work for and people being more keen to shop with you than the competition.

In a weird kinda way this relates to my life in general. I'm more than happy to step aside for someone in a doorway and smile, or pick up some trash off the floor in a shop and drop it in the nearest bin, and just be myself and looking for things to improve. The other day I picked up a pack of buttermilk and the cooler label said 60 cents, but when I got to the register it said 63 cents. On pointing that out the cashier apolagised and told me I could have it for free after they checked the label. I said I did not want it for free, I was just pointing something out that they are better off solving, and wished him a good day, leaving him with a bit of a stunned look on his face.  I mean, don't get me wrong, when doing groceries I (rather often now I think of it) pick up handscanners people dumped in the store and give them to the cashier, or point out a piece of veggie or fruit is rotten and they are better off to remove it (at our local supermarket they then give you a bag of groceries for free....which makes me feel very akward). Or drop off a expired product at the register when I'm paying for my own groceries. It's just me I guess. I like to help. If I could help people all day I'd be a much happier man. Sadly helping people all day doesn't pay the rent, or buy food, clothes, gas or hobby stuff.

Not sure why I'm feeling utterly sad atm. Was it the kit I started with much enthusiasm earlier this wich now just turns m off? Was it that denying myself soft drinks makes me feel like I'm denying myself everything? Is it that after visiting my ex internship for a chat I find out the guy they hired instead of me quit after a few days, and literally 30 minutes after I left they put up an ad on FB that they are looking for a new guy. And that they didn't mention any of this while I was there? Is it because my chest hurts so much, and I don't know if it's the last remnants of my flu, or just a sad heart? Or is it beacuse I feel utterly useless and a failure for being 40+ and getting turned down for jobs everywhere as they have better candidates, which fit more into their team (and really meaning younger, cheaper, more mallable that tend to leave those repetetive jobs rather quickly).

I dunno. For once my cold hard logic can't seem to settle this issue of the heart.

But there is always tomorrow.

7 opmerkingen:

  1. Yep, the ol "Executive Functioning" & "Impulse Control" issues can certainly be very wearying at times. I can relate to a lot of what you have shared mate.

    1. Thx Jack. I'm a member now of the group you forwarded me to, reading up on stuff now.

  2. Sounds like you are having a slight bout of depression, (job hunting, disinterest in things you like) combined with anxiety(worried about life, future and all that rot). Doesn't help that sodas (sugar) sets off the same pleasure centers in the mind that cocaine does, so you are also going threw withdrawals too.
    Just know that you are not alone in this, and its perfectly natural to not always be happy. I honestly think its good to feel down in the dumps every once in awhile, if for no other reason then it makes the good times more meaningful.
    Hang in there Dude.

    1. Doing my best here Moody, yesterday was particularly bad. Slightly better now, but splurged again on stuff I should not have. Ah well....

    2. I have to watch myself on the splurging also. Especially with the holidays. Haha!

  3. Chin up and keep at it. I can relate 100%. I have had anxiety and depression paticularly bad this year myself. Just take it a day at a time. Things never are as bad as they seem in the moment.
    Merry xmas

    1. Thanks Matt. Doing what I can, survived another weekend.